“Last night my wife told me all the things that are wrong with me, and you know what? It really helped,” said no man ever.
Do you think if you let your man know what his problem is, you’ll fix him?
Why isn’t my husband the person I thought he was? And why won’t he change?
It seems like an obvious solution.
It never works.
One of the most common mistakes wives make when we get desperate to “fix” our husbands is to tell him what’s wrong with him.
Here are three common mistakes that never work when trying to get your man to change:
- Use scare tactics
You get anxious, desperate even. So you make threats, hoping to whip him into shape.
- You threaten to leave so he can see how it feels to want you back.
- You threaten to take the kids.
- You give him the silent treatment.
Instead of moving closer, he becomes even more distant. And you grow more frustrated. And you’ve made demands that you feel like you need to follow through on.
Scare tactics push him away. Instead of pushing him away, you want to pull him towards you. To do that, you need to make him feel like you’re safe.
Try to create positive experiences instead of threaten or manipulate.
Threatening to leave him, take the kids or giving him the silent treatment will never produce permanent change.
He may change in the short (very short) term, but it won’t last.
No one likes to be threatened or bullied. Scare tactics actually cause more stress in the relationship. It’s hard to think of solutions or build intimacy when you’re afraid.
- Think it takes two to make a change
We hear this all time But it’s not true. You can only work on you. If you change the way you respond to him, he will change the way he responds to you. It might not happen overnight, but he will change.
Don’t wait for him to change to change. You can only control you. You can evaluate your behavior and decide in which ways you’re contributing to your marital woes.
Then you can work on changing you.
- Tell him what’s wrong with him
He’s not going to change because you tell him what’s wrong with him.
He won’t change if he feels nagged or badgered. He’s not going to change by reading some book you give him.
He’ll change when you change the way you respond to him. You’ll change the way you respond to him when you think about him differently.
Maybe you’ve been trying to save your marriage, but nothing seems to be working. You’re tired of fighting and you’re ready to give up.
The more demands you make, the harder he resists. So stop making demands and start changing your thoughts.
You may find the man you married is still there after all.
5 thoughts on “3 Tactics That Never Work When Trying to Fix Your Man”
3 Tactics that never work… I’m a husband, and this and other articles are right on. For 20 years I’ve been told how bad I am, what’s wrong with me, I’ve been told all the things to fix, I’ve been commanded to repent, I’ve been threatened hundreds of times (and was left from) but I have never threatened with divorce. I’ve gone to various counselors, and with one I asked for tests to tell what is wrong with me, spent hours on each of three tests with which I was told if I was lying, it would become obvious. She is bound that I am needing fixing, and has gone to councelors only with the attitude that he should fix me. She has had the backing of her best friend, talking to her in the midnight hours. The big issue is that she thinks that is all OK.
I’m so sorry, Daniel. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time. You sound very committed to your marriage. Your wife is fortunate to have a man like you. Have you considered speaking with a pastor or joining a support group?
This article is eye opening. Me and my wife go through alot of this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I fix one thing here comes another and another. I went to counseling christian of course and was basically told that as the man our issues are my fault because it is the man’s responsibility to make sure his house is in order. i cook, i clean, i do the child’s homework, fold clothes but none of that stuff seems to make her happy. Maybe i’m missing the emotional piece. I try to greet her with a kiss and she gives me the cheek or the forehead, so i have just stopped that and now she complains that i don’t do that.
You sound like a kind, loving husband, who tries hard. If you do all you say you do (and I have no reason to doubt you), your wife is a lucky woman. Sometimes we can seem hard to please. I’ve discovered when I’m hard to please, the issue is usually with me, not my husband.
Happy for you!